would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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