that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
