you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
