I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
