A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
