How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
