we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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