I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
