There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
