Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
