I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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