Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
