I will die if light touches me.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
