I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
