nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize