this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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