Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Welp...herpes.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
