I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
