Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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