It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
