it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
