omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
