her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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