Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's just like the Real World with babies
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
