I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
