if you like me you must not know who I am
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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