I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
