I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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