Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
