Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
