I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
