Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
worst night to have a conscience
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Even my vagina gasped.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
