I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
