She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
As shirtless as possible
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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