I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
