Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
