i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
