When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
