I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
