I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
