Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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