ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
