Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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