if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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