what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
