at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We are all done wearing pants today
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
