bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize