I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
