I skipped work to stalk him.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
