yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
