There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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