Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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