Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
