I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Holy sore nipples Batman
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
