Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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