He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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