I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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